The Chaotic Mind Bids Goodbye

Things. are. happening. I'm going back to the States. We're moving to Oregon. One of my best friend's younger sisters died, and so did Dave Donlon, my cousins' grandpa on the other side. To abruptly change the mood, I picked a major I don't like at LMU, and now that I'm graduating I'm getting a lot of couldas picking at my brain. What the heck do I want to do after I graduate? My heart and mind are utterly conflicted on this point. I'm drowning in Arabic, last minute gift buying, and Lord of the Rings, the only English book I brought with me, which I foolishly left til this week to read and am now trying desperately to finish so I don't lug it to London. Oh yeah, I'm going to London. That too. Just two days, but this city has captured my heart without my ever seeing it...obviously I'm ecstatic.



Anyway, good luck comprehending all that. I certainly can't. So in effort to somehow process all this elation, sadness, confusion, screaming, dancing, numbness, I'm turning this post into a journal-like collection of thoughts, which the unfortunate reader will have to dig her way through, though I hope it's worth it.

First, the move. Came as a surprise. One day my mom sent me an email, "I'm in Oregon right now. Was offered a job. Gonna seriously consider moving this weekend. Have to talk to you about it."

Oh.

It's cheaper there, and my mom would be better paid, and better able to provide for us. It's also closer to Jeanine and Teddy, my mom's sisters (and my crazy aunts), which is a support system my mom needs, as I cut the umbilical chord more and more. Those are the major reasons, I believe.

The dealio is that I had exploded my image as the California girl while abroad...I began to realize SoCal has my heart and some of my identity. And then I suddenly we're leaving. Somehow I knew it was necessary. With me going globe crazy and financial issues in our family, living in the single most expensive region in the US just won't fly.

This move thing, I think, is a metaphor for everything else: all good things come to an end. Study abroad, college, romance, life. Did I think I could avoid it? I accepted depression as a possibility upon leaving; why am I so reluctant to pass through all of this, knowing full well it would hit me?

Trinity, I don't know if you're reading this. With what's happening to you now, I doubt it. But this is for you. My thoughts are with you. I love you very much, and pray for your strength through this difficult time.

As to abroad ending, the strongest feeling at this point is, as I have said, elation. It's a temporary joy, for sure...but the thought of passing through customs at LAX, hugging my dog, finally seeing people I love, eating food without fear of indigestion...these things make me shiver in my pants. It's funny, I mentioned this to a fellow Sinarky (cute name eh), who said, "Oh yeah. Well, that will last a couple weeks. Then you'll be wanting to leave again. Sorry, but that's how it works."

I believe him.