An Unsolicited Revelation

Monumental first week of school. Being back at LMU is intoxicating; how could it not be monumental? I remind those of you who are physically most distant of me that we are atop a hill ("the bluff") overlooking all of Los Angeles: the Hollywood sign, the ocean, Century City, and the Los Angeles National Forest. As for the forest, we visited it this weekend on a CLC Coordinator Retreat. Honesty (my forte): I didn't expect much. I'd been to Camp Mariastella in Wrightwood, CA on the last two coordinator retreats, and after being away from the CLC community for so long, I wasn't looking forward to renewed responsibility and reverence (yes, I was extremely secular in Western Europe; who wouldn't be?). During the first half day of retreat, while we all sang along to praise&worship songs and talked about the graces of our CLC lives so far, I was thinking about anything but God. What had been most perturbing me of late was post-grad plans. Now is the time for ambitious college seniors like me to apply for things like scholarships, grad schools, and competitive jobs. On the back of my mind was post-grad service abroad--that is, giving up everything I know for two years of my life and moving to a third-world country to be a volunteer. Interlude: I don't "want" to do this. I like (love) SoCal. I like making money. I like being around people who have made my life what it is for the past twenty years. I don't like the prospect of taking cold showers, not having a grocery store down the street, and getting stomach parasites again--all honest-to-God possibilities as a Jesuit Volunteer, or member of the PeaceCorps, etc. Though I don't "want" to join these organizations, they have always nagged at me, like a pressing deadline, or, more realistically, like a legitimate call to the priesthood. This weekend at retreat, without warning, they became suddenly so much more.
To calm myself after we reached Mariastella, I took a quiet walk between retreat sessions and began scribbling my manic thoughts into my journal. I will give you a snippet of what emerged, in the format of a post-grad service application essay:

I describe myself now with total honesty, and apprehension at what that could mean.
I take this risky measure because I need for such a vital decision in my and my future community's life to be made without reservations or sugar-coating.
We have all made decisions without truly listening to ourselves, for whatever reason, be it greed, fear, or stress. When I have made decisions in this way, they have not led me to harm, but they have not led me to the fullness of myself that I seek. That is why I am now endeavoring to be completely honest when I say that I am afraid.
On a superficial level, I am afraid of dirt and grime, sickness, stomach aches, and discomfort, all things I know I will face as a volunteer.
On a deeper level, I fear insecurity, suffering, and death, all, once more, realities, especially in the third world.
I am aware that I jeopardize my application by admitting full-well that I fear much of what I would face. I am also aware, however, that I would not be human if I did not fear these things. It is with some measure of hope, for myself and for the world that I have the opportunity to change, that I accept these fears and open my arms to them. Why? Because I believe that the deepest joy originates from the deepest pain.

I wrote six journal pages of soul-searching like this without lifting my pen. I had never had such ease in expressing myself. The rest of the entry I abbreviate: I have always wondered whether taking the Bible literally and immersing myself with justice where it is most needed would relieve the strange dissatisfaction under which I currently live. During the sudden burst of words, I realized I believed it would. I repeat; I don't "want" the experience; I need it. However difficult I find the prospect of service abroad, I think it is meant for me, and I am meant for it, especially because I fear it. Fear is the ultimate roadblock; if I can get around it, the horizon awaits me.
I would be honored to go into more detail about why I will probably (it is still only a possibility) choose this post-grad path. Send me an email or a comment for more info!